I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize