she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
