saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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