The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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