your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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