After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
