It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
