I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize