I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
