the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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