Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
