where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize