just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
