You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize