This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
