Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
