you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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