It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
