btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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