I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize