dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
