I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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