I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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