I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
