So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
