btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
