The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize