Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
