So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
