Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
