peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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