She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
