just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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