On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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