Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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