I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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