I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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