He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize