My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize