I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
