his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
