I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
