I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
