remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
