Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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