Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
