My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
