After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She announced her abortion via fbk
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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