Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
