fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
