When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
