he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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