I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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