made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
