OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
