I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
