i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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