also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't put those talents on a resume
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
