hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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