i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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