And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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