Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
