I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
