sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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