I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
